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We Three Jerks
Thursday, 7 October 2004
That's A Fact, Jack!
Topic: politics
We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're 10-and-1! I guess we'll have to join the Army the old-fashioned way (I call Bill Murray!):

Bill to Restore the Draft Is Defeated in the House

Try and read this quote from Charlie Rangel without vomiting:
Democrats were outraged at the tactic, charging Republicans with a cynical political ploy on a matter that merited more thoughtful hearings and debate. The Democrats originally introduced the measure early last year as a way to protest the war, even before it began, and to spotlight how low- and middle-income Americans shoulder much of the burden of serving in the military.

"It is a prostitution of the legislative process to take a serious issue and use it for political purposes on the eve of the election just to say they are against the draft," said Representative Charles B. Rangel, Democrat of New York, the author of the bill, who ended up voting against it.

I can usually admire just about any political dirty tricks you can name, but this was really beyond the pale. I don't imagine this vote will actually do much to end the Democratic innuendoes about a draft in Bush's second term - actually, now they can all say they took a courageous stand and voted against the draft!

Utterly disgusting.

Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 8:37 AM EDT
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Tuesday, 5 October 2004
Hey Swing Voters: Swing This!
Topic: politics
Is it just me, or is John Edwards the toughest, least soft guy on the planet? Drudge:

Dem vp hopeful John Edwards cut to the chase last night on ABCNEWS NIGHTLINE:


ABC'S BOB WOODRUFF: "He has avoided the kind of negative attacks that can make national news, although recently, he has stepped up his rhetoric."


SEN. JOHN EDWARDS (D-NC) (clip of a speech): "I'd say if you live in the United States of America and you vote for George Bush, you've lost your mind."


WOODRUFF: "There's been criticism that you have been too soft."


EDWARDS: "Do I seem soft to you?"


The transcript ends there, but audio analysis reveals the sounds of Edwards (D-NC) beating Bob Woodruff to death with his mighty penis and devouring the ABC News correspondent's still-beating heart in order to gain his courage.


Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 8:33 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 5 October 2004 8:41 PM EDT
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Find Results With The Exact Phrase "Kowtow"
Topic: politics
Ken Shepherd rightly denounces Google's decision to comply with Red Chinese censorship efforts.


Fear the Dragon!


Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 1:35 AM EDT
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If Kyle Boller Is The Answer, It Must Be A Stupid Question
Topic: sports
Dry your eyes and weep!Oh, the hilarity! Boy, there were so many entertaining moments in this one, I don't know where to begin: How about Professor Billick letting Err Boller throw on 1st-and-goal from the 1, resulting in an interception (called back on a KC penalty)? Or K Boll scrambling and fumbling AGAIN (luckily recovered by the Ravens).


Really, though, the blame for this horsewhipping was to fall on the Ravens defense. These are a bunch of guys who have started to believe their own hype, who are too busy worrying about contract negotiations to actually go out and back up all that trash talk.


It's really too bad that the Ravens play in such a lousy division that almost no amount of half-hearted play and dimwitting coaching can keep them out of the playoffs (prove me wrong, Steelers!).


Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 12:39 AM EDT
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Saturday, 2 October 2004
Kerry Won? It's Debatable...
Topic: politics
Sen. Kerry courts the long snapper vote Take a look at this Gallup poll (link via Friday's Best of the Web), which, like most post-debate polls, shows Kerry "winning" the debate (53-37).

But further down, there's a series of more specific questions about each candidate's perfomance in the debate:

Kerry Bush
Expressed himself more clearly 60 32
Had a good understanding of the issues 41 41
Agreed with you more on the issues you care about 46 49
Was more believable 45 50
Was more likable 41 48
Demonstrated he is tough enough for the job 37 54

Too bad for Kerry we're not electing the captain of the debate team. That last one is the big number - he's killing himself with lines like that "global test" foolishness.

As I said to one of our loyal readers, the debate just confirmed the stereotypes people have of Bush and Kerry; unfortunately for Kerry, Bush's stereotype is about 6 points ahead.

Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 11:32 PM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 3 October 2004 12:03 AM EDT
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Friday, 1 October 2004
This is what happens when I'm home alone with Scotch
Mood:  party time!
Topic: politics
Boggers Note: This post was prepared last night while I was watching the first presidential debate live on NBC. Some of this won't make sense without viewing the debate at the same time, but I have left everything in, as this is the clearest representation of my thinking during the debate. I have cleaned up some spelling and typographical errors, but the material has remained essentially as it was written. Questions that the candidates were asked appear in bold. You can find the full transcript on this page at CNN.com. Enjoy, Tony.

Welcome to a new phase in Jerk technology. I'm preparing this post in real -time as the first presidential debate is underway in Miami. Florida. (Florida. Coincidence? I think not.) Before I get into the specifics of what I think of this debate, let me say that this "debate" is complete and utter bullshit. It's a dual press conference, at best, with no direct questioning of the candidates. We can be sure we'll hear a lot of platitudes, and rhetoric and slogans. But one thing we won't hear is real, honest to God debate. One more caveat: I'm drinking Scotch neat while I'm watching this thing - which is probably a good thing.

Is it a bold move that Bush went with the "kindler, gentler" blue tie and not the traditional, red power tie that Kerry has opted for?

Damn that September 9th thinking.

Anyone else think that two minutes is way too damn long for these guys to talk about any one topic?

Bush's "leaning-over", conversational style works, I think, when he's the governor of Texas, but he's not coming across as presidential so far.

Didn't Kerry vote against appropriations for this war? Can he then blame Bush for soldiers not having the most technological Kevlar vests?

Is it a good idea for Kerry to seem to be so vigorously nodding whenever Bush speaks?

At this time I'd like to use a one-minute "discussion extension."

What would Kerry do, specifically, to increase homeland security?
Specifically, Kerry would not do the things that Bush has failed to not do.

Bush seems incredulous that he even has to sit and listen to this jerk-off. "I'm the president, Goddamn it, who the hell does this guy think he is?

Bush is dripping with incredulousness, and it's really disturbing me. You're the fucking president, not a radio talk-show host.

I see we're running out of time
We still have thirty seconds, Mr. Vice-President.
We'll, to sum up...thousand points of light, stay the course, thousand points of light.

Forcefulness works for Bush. I bet he was the worst schoolyard bully in the world.

How would Bush bring American soldiers from Iraq home?
Iraqiization. That sounds familiar. How's that worked out before?

Kerry has a unique position of advocating one position (continuation of the war in Iraq, to a point) while a majority of his supporters advocate an opposite position (pull-out immediately). If Kerry wins, he faces the possibility of advancing his platform while at the same time leaving his supporters feeling betrayed.

By the way, I was in Vietnam. Did I mention that?

"Allied Summit" is Kerry's "lock box"

Bush has never found a phrase he didn't like beating into the ground. What kind of message is that?

What notes, exactly, are these guys taking? Any chance their doodling "I love Kirsten Dunst?"

By the way, I heard that the draft was coming in the spring.

Let's invade Mexico!!!

Kerry: A vote for me is a vote for Kofi Annan.

You can't build an alliance when you blast those already joined in an alliance. This is a strong answer for Bush. Kerry, its true, will have a hard time creating his international alliance for a war that is unjust and divisionary. Good Bush answer.

Everybody forgets Poland.

Bush can barely keep a straight face when he says "victory."

Can we declare victory in a war that we are clearly still fighting?

Bush: I'm a compassionate, optimistic, conservative realist.

Bush is much better at hammering away at his core tenants. Kerry is a flopper; his convictions are fluid. He's not up to the task. He's weird and French-looking.

I just looked at the clock. This thing's only been going on for thirty-seven minutes. Are you kidding me?

"Coalition" is an awfully strong word for what we've got in Iraq. I think there were more varied groups involved in the A-Team.

Kerry: It's not that he's lied. He's just not been candid. (I wonder why people can't warm up to Kerry.)

The booze is making me warm and drowsy. It is not, unfortunately, making either of these guys interesting.

Kerry will follow in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan. Interesting.

Bush: "I agree with Senator Kerry whenever he agrees with me on something that he no longer agrees with."

Bush: The only things consistent about Kerry are his inconsistencies. Good line.

But honest, who doesn't think about Missy Johnson?

It's very hard for Bush to love Missy as best he can. (This is a weird thing to say.)

Was Iraq worth it?
Bush: Yes. He kept it simple. It's hard to lose life, but there is a greater good.

Kerry: Being a soldier is the noblest thing anybody can do. Did I mention that I was in the military? Swift-boat captain. You wanna see my medals. Now, wait a minute, they were around here a minute ago.

Timeline for ending US involvement in Iraq:
Could be six months, if I had already been president a year ago or so. Kerry will change the dynamics on the ground. "My war down to one sheet of paper." Mentioning the fact that Bush asked to move funds from security to training is a good move, though.

I believe Kerry's staff said the prime minister of Iraq was like a "Muppet." Just like this president. Lying and misleading.

Bush strongly disagrees with a position that Kerry does not hold. Now, that's bold leadership.

9:52. This is utterly exhausting.

Bush's plan to prevent the use of troops is to "speak clearly." I feel better already.

Let's not look at Libya. Let's look at this picture of Kirsten Dunst in the new romantic comedy Wimbledon.

Kerry made be leading Bush to try to justify Iraq being involved with 9-11. Let's see if Bush takes the bait.

How much patience should the president have with Hussein? Is it really a good idea, as Kerry suggests, that the president of the United States go around the world like a used car salesman: "What do I have to do to get you into an alliance today?"

Kerry would preserve the right to pre-emptive strikes. And as pierced faux-radicals throw things at the screen the Imperial presidency breathes a sigh relief.

Did Kerry just say he's been fighting for proliferation?

Does Kerry really think he can win this election by telling us how poorly the rest of the world thinks of us? We love that people hate us. We're the New York Yankees of the world.

"Continue bi-lateral nuclear arms reduction!" - Randy, Bill Bradley volunteer, New Hampshire, 2000.

Maybe it's the scotch talking, but Jim Lehr has an ass that won't quit.

Speaking of Lehr, why do the candidates keep addressing him? They understand that he doesn't decide who gets to be president, right?

While it's true that people care about terrorism and homeland security, they don't care about it in the same way that they care about education and health care. They don't want specific proposals about what to do with North Korean fuel rods, for example. I'd like to see the ratings for this.

My mom: Where the fuck is Darfor? Is "Raymond" on?

Lehr has a great attitude about his role in this debate. His questions are open-ended and designed to get the candidates talking. He's not playing "gotcha."

"Mixed messages" is fun to say. Try it. Mixed messages, mixed messages, mixed messages.

By the way, I agree with Bush. I also admire the Kerry daughters.

Did Bush say that he admires Kerry for being a great dad?

Whoa, when did this turn into a love-fest.

Certainty is a dangerous position for a president, Just ask Harry Truman.

This consistency issue is about to turn ugly and petty.

You're a flopper.
No, I'm not.
Yes you are.
Uh, ah.
Huh, uh.

Biggest challenge to American security:
Kerry: nuclear proliferation. Good answer. The cold war plans of nuclear proliferation spreading stability don't ring true any more. We're not worried about a country getting nuclear weapons so much as terror cells and other non-government groups getting their hands on this kinda of weapon. No disagreement from Bush.

Bush looks almost as if he's gonna wink when he talks. With a "get-a-load-of-this-guy" look on his face. Men will like this, but I think women will think it's cocky and arrogant.

20 after 10 and the booze has a solid grip on my brain, and apparently, my keyboard.

You know what would spice this debate up? Keep one candidate backstage while the other reveals that he secretly slept with his wife. Then let the guy come from behind stage and whoop ass, a la Jerry Springer.

Did Bush misjudge Putin?
Yes, is the only answer to that question? And yet, perplexingly, Bush has managed to completely mangle his response. I blame the time limits. Not every thing needs a two-minute answer. But if you don't fill up your allotted time you look like you don't have anything to say.

Kerry is about to quote George Will. The worlds gone mad, I tell you, mad.

Bush has an eerie Nixonian habit of intimating that, if you only knew what I know you'd want me to be president too.

Does anybody believe that the executive branch allowed the legislative branch to look at the "same intelligence" as they had.

Closing Statements. The end is almost near.

Kerry and Bush both love America. So they go that going for them, which is nice. Kerry was in a war, has he mentioned that. Vietnam and everything. The whole deal. Future belongs to freedom and not fear. Fabulous.

How many people out there, not knowing that this debate is issue-specific, are wondering why these guys aren't talking about health care? Also, will there be a debate about deficit spending for non-military, non-security related programs. Will there be a debate about discretionary spending being higher now than it was during the Johnson administration? Or about the, (you knew I was going to mention this), looming Social Security crisis.

Charles Gibson is hosting a debate. What, was Matt Lauer unavailable?

Teresa Heinz Kerry looks pretty boozy.
Laura Bush: "What a flake."
Teresa Kerry: "What a lame-ass."

The crowd went nuts when Brokaw just said "Tim Russert." Russert says Kerry has found his voice. Good thing, since its almost fucking October.

Edwards is now talking with Brokaw. The mole on his face is granting an interview to Brit Hume at the same time, however.

Surprisingly, Edwards thinks Kerry did splendidly. Bush, not so much.

Brokaw brings up a good point. How can you build a coalition with people opposed to the war? If they're opposed, they're opposed. Chirac et al aren't getting on board no matter what.

McCain on CBS. Bias exposed in having a Republican who is less than in love with Bush and a little too admiring of Kerry?

C-SPAN 2's got live spin room coverage. This is locker room coverage for political nerds.

Call-in reaction on C-SPAN. Always a bad idea. Bush supporter: Thank God we've got a good Christian man as President. Kerry supporter: Kerry showed his intellectual superiority that makes me sick that Bush is our president. The gist: Kerry people really think Kerry did well. Bush people think Bush did well. Bush people think Kerry is weak-willed and a flip-flopper. Kerry people think Bush is a moron who has trouble finding his way home from the office.

Now watching the Navy - Air Force Game. Air Force just tied it up with 2:21 left in the fourth.

So that was the first presidential debate. All in all, it was better than I though it would be. Although I had really, really, silly low-expectations for this thing, so that's not saying much. Both candidates mollified their bases. But neither reached out to swing voters. I wouldn't expect much of a bounce for either guys from this. Incidentally, I don't think I learned anything from this debate, which probably should be the point of this thing. No big gaffes, which I guess is all the candidates we're hoping for. Secretly I was hoping that Bush would say something about their being no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe. But that didn't happen. No blood drawn, no big punches landed. A definite draw.

Until next debate,
Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 10:08 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, 1 October 2004 4:00 PM EDT
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Thursday, 30 September 2004
Grizzly Adams, er Justin Strzelczyk dead at 36
Mood:  sad
Topic: sports
Just read this. Rest in peace you gentle, gun toting, hairy, smelly, giant.

Draper

Posted by thynkhard at 6:10 PM EDT
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Wednesday, 29 September 2004
Dog Bites Man Dept.
Topic: foolishness
Anyone out there surprised by this:

'Miranda' switches sides

Cynthia Nixon is trying a different kind of sex in the city, the Daily News has learned. For almost 10 months now, the Emmy-winning actress has been dating another woman, sources say.
Anyone aside from Big T, that is? You know - the guy who picked Miranda as his favorite floozy from Sex In The City? Tony, Tony, Tony...

I apologize for the unJerksman-like content of this post. We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging.

Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 12:07 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 29 September 2004 12:13 AM EDT
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Monday, 27 September 2004
Cram it in your Jerkholes!
Topic: gloating
Guess who won last night, swine. That's right Steelers 13 Dolphins 3. Oh and my condolences to A.J. Feeley's family.

Draper

Posted by thynkhard at 12:15 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, 1 October 2004 10:37 AM EDT
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Professor Billick's Konversion Korner
Topic: sports
Ignored by the local rag, Brian Billick's decision to try a two-point conversion while holding a 14-point lead was noticed by the Post:

Billick called for a two-point conversion following Jamal Lewis's 75-yard touchdown run, which gave Baltimore a 14-point lead, 23-9, in the fourth quarter. Boller's pass to Hymes was incomplete. "I started in college as an engineering major, and obviously, as you can see, I'm too stupid to add, so I switched to journalism," said Billick, who has a communications degree from BYU. "I thought it was 15 when it was 14."

Maybe one of those scholars from Miami "The U" could have helped him out with the math.


Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 11:41 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 27 September 2004 11:42 AM EDT
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The Oriole Way?
Topic: sports
O's skipper Lee Mazzilli joins the loser's chorus of gutless O's fans who want to take their ball and run home crying from the AL East:
Peter Angelos still wants to fight, but if he loses, Lee Mazzilli says he'd like to switch.

While the Orioles owner remains dead set against what appears to be the looming move of the Montreal Expos to Washington, his manager said yesterday that if it happens, he has a "very simple solution." Mazzilli would like the Orioles to move to the National League East and have the Washington team take the Orioles' place in the American League East.

This is kind of an odd argument, since the O's would currently be in 4th place in the NL East, as opposed to 3rd in the AL East.

Brooks Robinson gets to the heart of the matter:

The Orioles just have to put a winning product on the field and they're going to draw a lot of people.
Sorry, Brooks, but the O's are already preparing to use the Senators as an excuse for their sorry performance. OK, that covers 2005 - what about the last 7 (!!!) seasons of sub-.500 baseball? The best thing that could come out of a team in DC is a new owner for the Orioles.

Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 9:59 AM EDT
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Ca-bla Gou-bla!
Topic: foolishness
I just got done watching an NFL Films documentary about the '86 Jets.


Boy, I missed cable.


Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 9:42 AM EDT
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Saturday, 25 September 2004
These days, we'd probably have to call "Deep Throat" "Horny Back-Door Bitches 12"
Mood:  rushed
An Ellicott City resident awoke to the sounds of his large Republican lawn signs on fire early this morning, according to today's Baltimore Sun. Police have reported that this is not an isolated incident, and in fact as many as 12 large lawn signs and 50 small signs have been destroyed over the past several days. Police have another Ellicott City man in custody, but haven't released any details as to whether the burnings were politically motivated or not.

Now maybe it's because I'm reading All The President's Men right now, but am I the only one who thinks it wouldn't be beyond reason to think Karl Rove may have had something to do with this. There are a great number of rumors out there about Rove, including a bugging incident that occured during a Texas gubernatorial race in which a bug was found in his office that many believe was planted there by Rove himself. Many of these rumors can be found in the book Bush's Brain, which has recently been adapted into a film.

The thing about Rove is that no one has been able to find a solid link between these types of activities and Rove. But that's just what you'd expect from the Diabolical Genius, now isn't it?

I don't know, I'm not normally a black helicopters kinda guy, and maybe it's the Nixonian paranoia seeping in. (I mean, I did just indirectly accuse Rove of ordering a series of arsons). Honestly, I think the more likely explanation is that it was some nutcase who, perhaps inspired by the new Che Guevara movie (Anyone out there interested, check out the review of this film, starring Gael Garcia Bernal, star of international acclaimed Y Tu Mama Tambien in the latest GQ. Referencing the casting, the author writes: "In terms of audience appeal, the right-wing equivalent would be Keanu Reeves as the idealistic young David Koresh, or maybe Justin Timberlake playing gallant, pensive Timothy McVeigh."), thought he'd take revolution into his own hands.

If Rove or the Bush campaign was involved, I doubt setting the signs on fire was part of the plan, probably just some low-level vandalism. The other explanation, that it was directed by the Kerry campaign, doesn't hold much water for me. Not only would it be incredibly stupid, but I don't think that campaign would be able to pull something like this off.

So, back to the flaming signs at hand. Don't worry about the Bush supporter whose sign was destroyed. He, like his president, is steeled in his resolve in the face of terror:

"I'm not going to be weak and let them control my life," McQuarry said.

After all, if McQuarry takes down his yard sign, then the terrorists have already won.

Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 1:25 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 25 September 2004 1:33 PM EDT
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Friday, 24 September 2004
Leon Award -- Pulitizer Prize Edition
Mood:  irritated
Topic: sports
Following in the grand tradition of Lawrence Taylor, Dexter Manley and that guy who wrote that book about the seedy, underside of the NFL, Terrell Owens has come out with a book: Catch This. It's a look at Terrell Owens and, as the write-up on Amazon.com states, the outrageous gridiron personality "T.O." that Owens has created.

(By the way, that pic is from terrellowens.com. I think this is a trend that the Jerks need to latch onto.)

According to the blurb on Amazon, the book allows the reader to learn how great T.O. is:

He takes us behind his apprenticeship to -- and eventual eclipsing of -- the legendary 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice.

And how, like Rosa Parks, he was wronged during this past off-season:

And, finally, he lets loose on the free agent scandal that shook the NFL in 2004 -- and reveals the truth behind the NFL's attempt to deny him free agency, his fraudulent trade to the Baltimore Ravens, and his ultimate happy landing with the Philadelphia Eagles.

But probably the most interesting, and least surprising, thing "revealed" in the book is his condemnation of the liberal white media who find it easy to come down hard on black athletes. Specifically, he mentions Dan Patrick, who conducted a rather rough interview with T.O. a couple years ago on Patrick's radio show.

Was Dan Patrick rough on T.O.? Probably. But was it because he's black, or because Owens is a loud-mouth jerk?

If T.O. thinks it's okay to arbitrarily assign motive to public figures, is it fair to say that T.O. wanted out of San Fran, not because he didn't think Jeff Garcia was a good enough quarterback, but because he is white, and (at least according to T.O.) gay? Is it out of line to suggest that he only wanted to go to Philly, and not Baltimore, because Kyle Boller is white and Donovan McNabb is black?

What if Jeff Garcia were to write a book stating that T.O. didn't want to play with him because he's white. Would Garcia be lauded as being "never politically correct and always controversial and colorful on and off the field." And would his publisher hype Garcia's book as a "...wickedly insightful book, he's (Owens) full of sharp-eyed observations on the contentious, demanding, insane phenomenon that is pro football."

Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 4:27 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 25 September 2004 3:55 PM EDT
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Thursday, 23 September 2004
I wanna C-U-P
Mood:  special
Anyone man who has ever played contact sports, or been attacked by a rabid dog, or a small child with good aim will know how important a quality cup can be in making sure that you're last name doesn't die with you. Shockingly, however, it seems that professional football players are not amongst those concerned with taking a shot in the almonds. Accoriding to this piece on ESPN.com's Page 2, players have shunned cups because of their bulk and those who wear cups are in fact ridiculed by their teammates.

But wearing this vital piece of equipment should not be taken so lightly, particularly after you hear the story of Virgil Livers.

He's a former defensive back who played for the Chicago Bears from 1975-79. While fielding a punt at Soldier Field, Livers was speared in the groin. By halftime, one of his testicles had swollen so badly it had to be...drained with a needle by the trainers. Somehow, Livers suited up for the second half. That was a bad idea. A really, really, really bad idea. Later that night, he was rushed to the hospital where the mangled orb was surgically removed.

Personally, I'd run the risk of lost mobility in order to prevent a scene even close to the one described above. I'd like to continue, but I'm doubled over with sympathy pain, trying not to throw up on my keyboard.

Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 5:14 PM EDT
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