More news about drugs (Or how Cycling has the most Draconian of all sports governing bodies)
You guys are going to love this. I am sure you all remember my rant a few weeks ago about how all the major American sports let their atheletes (or Ballplayers) get away with murder when it comes to drug offenses, both performance enhancing drugs and just the recreational kind.

Well, in cycling, because of the very nature of the sport you don't have too many rail thin dope fiends out their riding their bikes for 25,000 miles a year. There just isn't time to do it. Well, that isn't always true. Apparently the UCI (Union Cycliste Internationale, the international cycling governing body) has just sanctioned Gary Houseman, a 23 year old Californian and a downhill mountain biker for testing postive after a race at Grouse Mountain, BC. Yes, that's right, this guy, a dumb young American is not allowed to race a bike in any sanctioned event on this planet because he likes to get high before riding.

Chew on that.

Draper

Clawing at the casket
Penn State football coach Joe Paterno is planning on sticking around. The coach, who will turn 77 shortly, has no plans on leaving and is currently in the midst of recruiting his next class. Now, I understand how big Paterno is and everything that he's done for that school, but the team finished 3-9 this year and 1-7 in the Big Ten. The only wins came against Temple, Kent State and Indiana. It's time for JoPa to make a graceful exit, before the usually friendly crowd at Happy Valley starts booing him unmercifully.

But even if you don't think on the field performance is enough (which it is), check out this little morsle from the AP article linked to in this post.:

The first, and worst, of a series of off-field troubles came last spring when Anwar Phillips was arrested and charged with sexually assaulting a female student on campus. A jury over the summer found him innocent, but when the details were made public in the spring Paterno was vilified for allowing Phillips to play in the Capital One Bowl, two weeks after Phillips had been expelled from the university.

During the summer and fall, seven more current and former players were arrested or cited, including redshirt freshman Maurice Humphrey, the team's No. 2 receiver. On the day after the season ended, Humphrey was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, harassment and criminal mischief for an alleged on-campus assault. He was temporarily expelled from the university earlier this month.

Paterno's whole appeal, outside of winning, has been that he's a disciplinarian who molds boys into men and prepares them for the world. He's not even doing that anymore. As Don Meredith might say, "Turn out the lights, the party's over."

In other coaching news, former NFL quarterback Jim Harbaugh has agreed to be the head football coach at San Diego College, a small Catholic school overlooking Mission Bay. This is bad news guys, not for Harbaugh, but for us. We are now so old that guys who were in their prime during our adolescence are coaching.

Oh, the humanity!

Tony

Blue Hens win title, nobody a dickhead
The Delaware Blue Hens captured the NCAA Division I-AA championship last night, in a 40-0 defeat of Colgate. Delaware finished the season 15-1, including playoffs. Yes, playoffs. Now, I don't want to spend this blog post ranting about the BCS, there's really no mystery about how I feel about that unmitigated piece of garbage. So, I'll focus on something positive for a change. While watching the highlights of this game on Sportscenter this morning (I had Christmas Shopping I had to attend to last night) I found myself smiling. Each time I saw a Delaware player score a touchdown, he quietly handed the ball to the ref, gave a couple of high fives to his teammates and then got back to the game. There were no dances, no phone calls, no Sharpies, not even a spiking of the ball. And this team was in the midst of winning a National Championship, on live nationwide television. And they were not only destroying Colgate, but were on their way to the first shutout ever in a I-AA Chapionship. And yet, restraint, humility and dignity were all on display.

If these kids can behave like grown men, why can't the grown men in the NFL behave that way? Is it the money, the fame, or the fact that nobody ever tells these guys no?

Jim Haslett excused Joe Horn's behavior last Sunday by saying he's "only 32." I really hope Haslett and Horn were watching last night, and I hope each one of them felt about two inches high after watching the Delaware players behave with such grace.

Tony

No Lice For Khadaffi
You think this had anything to do with the invasion of Iraq? Of course, the Post gives credit for Libya's surrender of its WMD program to "punishing sanctions".

Marc

The System Works
Hey, I got off on my traffic tickets - leaving me about $175 richer! My officer called in sick, so everybody (25 or so people) that he wrote tickets for got off. Finally, the laziness and poor work ethic of my generation pays off.

Marc

G-Men fire Fassel
Ending weeks of feverish speculation, New York Giants head coach Jim Fassel was told today he would be let go at the end of the season, in a meeting with management that Fassel had requested. The Giants, who blew a 24 point lead in a playoff game with the 49ers last year, fell well below expectations this year. They are currently in the midst of a six game losing streak and are last in the NFC East. Fassel requested and will be allowed to coach the remaining two games on the Giants schedule.

Fassel, who was an offensive coordinator with the Arizona Cardinals before he came to New York, is expected to find work next year, possibly with those same Cardinals. Regardless of the outcome of the two remaining games, Fassel will finish his career in New York as the third-winningest coach in franchise history. Although his career in New York included a Super Bowl appearance three years ago (where they were summarily destroyed by the Baltimore Ravens), Fassel was under pressure almost from the minute this season started. The team suffered a number of early injuries, including Tight End Jeremy Shockey, and attendence began to suffer toward the end of the season.

The Giants are looking at a number of replacements, including LSU coach Nick Saban, former Jaguars coach Tom Coughlin, and the Patriots' two coordinators: Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis. Coughlin, Crennel and Weis were Giants assistants under Bill Parcells.

Tony

Leon Award Winner -- Final Straw Edition
New Orleans Saints WR Joe Horn, after catching the second of four touchdowns in the Saints beat down of the New York Giants on Sunday night, lifted the padding around the goal post and pulled out a planted cell phone, which he then pretended to dial and talk on. The stunt, which drew the ire of many, including broadcaster Paul Maguire, was conceived a week ago and discussed on a radio show the night before the game. It was not Horn's first instance with ridiculous end zone celebration this year. Earlier in the season Horn pretended to take out a machine gun and shoot two teammates, who dutifully fell to the ground.

Horn, who in a USA Today interview last year about Terrell Owens' Sharpie stunt promised never to do such a thing, was chastised by his coach on the sidelines, but will receive no fine from the team. The league, however, is expected to fine or suspend him.

Even more disturbing then the call was the interview on the 6 pm Sportscenter with Dan Patrick where Horn took turns laughing off the stunt, offering bland and unfelt apologies for it and taking jabs at the league for not being any fun. While Patrick prodded, former Cowboys Wide Receiver and full time athlete fellator Michael Irving laughed it up with Horn and agreeded that no one, including the oppossing Giants, had been offended by the "phone call." The Giants, who have been in the tank so long that they wouldn't have cared if Horn had squeezed out a Cleveland Steamer on Jim Fossel's face, probably weren't offended. But lots of other people were, including myself, Kornheiser, Wilbon, Jaws, Dan Patrick, Sean Salisbury, inumerable sports writers and most importantly the majority of football fans.

Horn's stunt, which he claimed was designed to bring fun into the league, was in reality designed to lift the profile of Joe Horn. It has nothing to do with the Ickey Shuffle, the Dirty Bird or the Skins' Fun Bunch end zone cirlce. Those were all fun and mostly clever end zone celebrations that whole cities were able to get behind. They were also dances of good, Super Bowl-bound teams, something the Saints are certainly not.

In an attempt to find the silver lining, I should note that New York Jets coach Herm Edwards was so outraged by the stunt that he called the commissioner to voice his disgust. Edwards, however, is a dying breed of coaches who simply will not tolerate this kind of reprehensible behavior. New Orleans coach Jim Haslett, on the other hand, has looked the other way after his camera-ready sidline scolding of Horn, saying this about Horn in a Monday press conference: "He'll learn. He's only 32." Great, looks like I'm clear to be a dickhead at work for another 8 years.

Look, this is out of hand. The league should stiffen penalties to include suspension, as millionaire athletes wipe their asses with the $10,000 fine that will most likely be levied against Horn. In a sense, however, the league is helpless and the problem is much bigger than Horn and T.O. In fact, earlier on Sunday, T.J. Duckett, after scoring the lone Falcons touchdown in their 38 to 7 beating at the hands of the Colts, celebrated with a dance in the end zone, at a time when the oh-so-out-of-it Falcons were down by 25 points.

Undisciplined, over-paid, over-indulged athletes will continue to do and say whatever they want (see Lewis, Ray; Bryant, Kobe), as long as there are sycophantic hangers-on. It permeates the culture, and it's not going away. It is, dare I say, the Orndoff Principle as unstoppable force.

As Charleton Heston would say: My God.

Tony

Another one bites the dust
Senator John Breaux (D-LA) has announced that he will not seek reelection next year, marking the fifth Democratic Senator to announce such plans. The other four are Presidential Candidate John Edwards (D-NC), former candidate Bob Graham (D-FL), Ernest "Fritz" Hollings (D-SC) and Zell Miller (D-GA). All five Senators hail from the south, a region where Democrats have been slipping in recent years. Further, all five seats are considered up for grabs or Republican locks, and if convential wisdom holds true, by January 2005 Republicans will be within easy reach of the 60 votes needed to prevent Democratic filibusters.

Beyond the effect these decisions have on Senate buisness, the departures deliver a blow to a party who has been out of power for almost four years.

The only hope the Democrats may be able to cling to is a recent trend of voters deliberately splitting their ticket in order to produce divided government. According to authors V. Lance Tarrance, Walter De Vries and Donna L. Mosher, whose book Checked and Balanced (I have a copy) outlines this emerging phenomenon, there is a significant number of voters who purposefully split their ticket to prevent one-party rule. If the trend holds, Democrats may benefit. However, my guess is that divided government is a lot more attractive during peacetime, when political debate is dominated by how and where to spend taxpayer money. Now that foreign policy and homeland security are the two biggest issues, people may look for unified government to prevent gridlock, rather than encourage it. Something to chew on.

Tony

Good Christ!
So, it is obvious to all of those who read this that Tony hasn't got a whole lot to do at work. Though, his posts are entertaining.

Just in case you've been hiding away in a hole for the last couple of days...like myself. That silly old bugger in Iraq has been 'caught like a rat'. Boy, I hate rhetoric. Anyway.

I don't have much to say...been away from the internet for nigh on week and half...just wanted to remind that this is We Three Jerks...not just in name.

So cram it with walnuts.

Get Ready To Gouge Your Eyes Out, Draper
The Steelers may wear an alterate gold jersey on the road next season, according to a Tribune-Review interview with owner Dan Rooney:

"We designed a gold jersey last year to wear when teams in hot weather cities make us wear black," Rooney said. "We showed it to the NFL, and they told us we could wear the jerseys at home, but not away ... so we never went through with it."

But now, the NFL allows teams to wear alternate jerseys on the road if the home team wears white - setting the stage for this abomination:

"We would have worn them with the gold pants," Rooney said, "and I know what you're thinking ... but, trust me, the gold on gold went well together."

Well, the Steelers have been playing like my 10th grade JV team, now they can look like them too.

Marc

Back In The Saddle
I apologize to our readers for my absence, and for condemning them to an unbroken series of Tony posts (ZING!).

But seriously, folks... In his post Tuesday, T-Bone linked to a very perceptive piece by Bill Kristol, who is rapidly approaching George Will op-ed god status. Kristol warns Republicans against misunderestimating Howard Dean, and makes a persuasive case for Dean's potential angle of attack:

But Dean will emphasize that he has never ruled out the use of force (including unilaterally). Indeed, he will say, he believes in military strength so strongly that he thinks we should increase the size of the Army by a division or two. It's Bush, Dean will point out, who's trying to deal with the new, post-Sept. 11 world with a pre-Sept. 11 military.

There is daylight to the right of Bush on foreign policy. Dean has already hinted at his willingness to attack (rhetorically) Saudi Arabia for their lunatic anti-Semitism and support of terrorist organizations.

I think the real opportunity that Kristol points out is Dean's chance to make specific calls for strengthening the military - two more light infantry divisions, 100,000 more soldiers, whatever. What is Bush's rationale for NOT strengthening the military? Whatever happened to the two-war standard (the doctrine that the US military would be able to fight two medium-level wars at once)?

Kristol also points out Bush's potential vulnerability on the issue of the deficit and the LBJ-like spending by the GOP. Jeff Jacoby highlights some of the worst excesses in the Boston Globe (link from Danno):

-$325,000 for the construction of a swimming pool in Salinas, Calif.
-$220,000 for the New Mexico Retail Association in Albuquerque
-$1.8 million for the Women's World Cup tournament

And one more reason to line up the City Council and shoot them down like dogs (link via Liz):

City to hire attorneys to help council

The city has authorized up to $230,000 to defray the legal expenses of council members under investigation by a federal grand jury. Why are they under investigation, you ask? For violating city ethics laws! So the council breaks the law, and the taxpayers foot the bill for their lawyers. I love it.

Marc

Strike a pose
The Heisman trophy award presentation is tonight, and the odds on favorite is Oklahoma Quarterback Jason White, whose otherwise quality season was marred by a disastrous outing against Kansas State in last week's Big XII championship. The other top candidates are Pitt's WR Larry Fitzgerald, Running Back Chris Perry of Michigan, and Ole Miss QB Eli Manning.

Wilbon takes a look at why nobody cares about the Heisman anymore. His answer basically boils down to a list of names:

Winners from 1974-1988 -- Ohio State's Archie Griffin (twice), Tony Dorsett, Earl Campbell, Billy Sims, Charles White, George Rogers, Marcus Allen, Herschel Walker, Mike Rozier, Doug Flutie, Bo Jackson, Vinny Testaverde, Tim Brown, Barry Sanders.

Winners from 1989 -- Andre Ware, Ty Detmer, Desmond Howard, Gino Torretta, Charlie Ward, Rashaan Salaam, Eddie George, Danny Wuerffel, Charles Woodson, Ricky Williams, Ron Dayne, Chris Weinke, Eric Crouch, Carson Palmer.

Tony

Shoot is Shit with two o's
Comedian George Carlin, on his groundbreaking album Class Clown discussed seven words that you can never say on television. Those words were: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Those were the heavy seven. The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) later prosecuted Carlin over the use of these words during a performance in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The FCC lost the case, but the words remained taboo on the public airwaves. Now, with the emergence of cable (which is not subject to the same regulations as network television), these words have begun to show themselves up and down the dial. (Sidebar: Who the fuck has a dial anymore?)

Prompted by lawmakers, the FCC is grappling with a decision it made to allow the use of the word "fuck" as long as it is used as an adjective and not a noun describing a sex act. Several members of Congress are seeking a reversal of the decision and attempting to clarify the FCC rules and institute tougher penalties for those that break them. In fact, Rep. Lamar S. Smith (R-Tex.) has sponsored legislation listing "eight words and phrases that could not be spoken on broadcast television without punishment." Now I don't know what the extra word is, but I'd sure in the fuck would like to find out.

The government is now splitting hairs about what words (and in what context) should be banned. The answer is simple. Get out of the censorship buisness all together. Think about all the time, money and energy that is wasted in order to prevent little Timmy from hearing the word "fuck" while he's watching Fox. Tell Timmy's mom to turn the fucking TV off, the government's not your babysitter. Why, without prosecuting "potty mouth," the government would probably be able to buy a couple pallets of lightbulbs. ZING!

Tony

GAULD! (or How I learned to stop worrying and love the Orndoff Principle)
The Orndoff Principle is out in full force today. Every article in this blog post helps to prove that my axiom that everything now is worse than it used to be is undoubtedly correct.

My first example comes from the world of sports, where Kerry Collins criticized Bruce Smith through the New York media. Collins' consecutive game streak is over, largely because of a hit that Smith laid on him during last Sunday's Redskins - Giants game at Giant Stadium. Smith, whose sack of backup Jesse Palmer put him past Reggie White as the all-time sack leader later in the game, hit Collins after the play had been blown dead for a delay of game penalty. Should Smith have hit Collins? Probably not. Should Collins have whined about it to the press. NO. Trust me, you'd never see Johnny U or Billy Kilmer doing anything like that. GAULD!

Next comes word that Korey Stringer's family is being asked to pay the Minnesota Vikings $47,000 since their case against the team was thrown out of court. Stringer died of heat exhaustion during training camp before the team's 2001 season. His family then sued the team, doctors, the makers of his pads, virtually anybody they could, in an effort to make up for Stringer's lost salary. This is actually a gauld coming through the back door. I'm glad this family's gotta pay, but I'm gaulded by the whole damn situation. I don't think you can hold an NFL team responsible for the physical toll playing football takes on a person, even if that toll includes death. Football is a rough game, and often a cruel one. Stringer's family should have been more than satisfied with the benefits that I am sure they collect from the Player's union and their ability to trade on his name and likeness, which I'm sure they can make a few bucks out of. Playing professional football is an honor and a privlege, and not something that is gotten into lightly. Every player knows that the next play could bring the end of his career, or permanent damage or even death. I didn't see anybody suing the Chicago Bears when Dick Butkus retired and realized his hands were gnarled beyond recognition, or when Dick "Night Train" Lane would clothesline, rather than tackle, anybody who got in his path. GAULD!

Turning to the world of entertainment, MAD-TV is under fire from a postal employees union for an upcoming sketch in which postal employees argue over who has the right to "go postal" first. The postal workers are upset because the instances of workplace violence at post offices has droppped signficantly. They want their members to protest the show and for the sketch to not air on Saturday. Like most of the stuff on MAD-TV, I'm certain that this sketch is not funny and probably offensive and certainly simple-minded. However, this is America, and you have the right to be as unfunny and stupid and offensive as you want to be. You know, as long as you don't say "piss" or "shit" or anything. GAULD!

And now the biggie. The one that really got my blood boiling. Taking a cue from New York City and Montgomery County, among others, Ireland is trying to institute a ban on smoking in all workplaces, including pubs, by next year. If you visit this link, you'll note that several people seem to be in favor of the ban because it might help them quit smoking. I don't know if I even need to say this, but it's not the government's responsibility (even in Europe) to help you stop smoking. You know who I blame this one on: Baby Boomers.

Boomers, the demographic I hate less than old people but more than young people, have realized that all their years of recklessness have taken their toll and they can longer continue to behave the way they used to. They used to fuck anybody they wanted to, do whatever drug they could get their hands on and smoke and drink every day. But Boomers, who have a strangle hold on power in this country, have decided that since it's no fun to quit and stay sober by yourself, let's make everybody quit. Instead of people being able to make their own decisions, the Boomers have decided to outlaw any substance or activity that is harmful. Now that they've fucked all they can, done all thier drugs and smoked and drank until their throats were bloodied and sore, the party's over. GAULD!

Tony

Williams reaches 300
Gary Williams garnered his 300th victory as head basketball coach at Maryland, Williams alma mater, as the unranked Terps knocked off top-ranked Florida in Gainsville. Led by strong performances by Nik Caner-Medley and D.J. Strawberry, the Terps squandered an early lead and was forced into their third overtime this year, including a victory over ranked Wisconsin and a loss over the weekend to unranked West Virginia.

On the other end of the coaching spectrum, Dan Reeves, the sixth winningest NFL Coach of all time, and winner of 201 games, resigned as the head coach of the Atlanta Falcons after being informed that he would be let go at the end of the season. Wade Phillips will take over until the Falcons get a new general manager who hires a coach during the off-season.

Tony