Tony

Mary-Kate and Ashley's Supercool Guide to Presidential Nominating Conventions
Former Vice-President and Democratic Presidential nominee Al Gore has announced plans to launch an all-news cable channel aimed at 18-34 year olds. The channel, which currently broadcasts news programmed by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, will not be a liberal network, but instead will be designed to cater to the tastes of young people.

I am outraged over this development. And more than a little humiliated to find out that there is an assumption that because of my age I cannot understand news from traditional sources.

But beyond my humiliation (which is, admittedly, nothing new), how will this new network look different from, say, CNN or MSNBC?

Gore said the network will be "an independent voice in this industry" with a primary target audience of people between 18 and 34 "who want to learn about the world in a voice they recognize and a view they recognize as their own."

And whose voice might that be -- Eric Cartman?

There is a glut of news out there, boys and girls, and if you don't understand that by now, then, frankly, we're all better off with you staying home and watching wrestling. Remind me again why we want people who can't be bothered to read a newspaper or listen to NPR to become engaged. What value is there in convincing people who are so fat-ass stupid and lazy as to assume that politics isn't relevant to them that they should listen up?

You know, I might actually be able to get behind this idea if I thought for even one second that by catering to a young audience, it might mean that the network will focus on news that the Boomer-driven media ignores. Like, for example, the looming Social Security crisis. But we all know that what is meant by a young-persons network is one in which the shallow reportage is done at a break-neck pace while the highest paid people in the building (aside from on-air "talent") are the graphics team.

Like so many other things, this is a generational issue. It is yet another example of the Baby Boom generation's sad desire to remain forever young by forging a bond with young people that simply doesn't exist. It also goes to the arrogance with which Boomers view younger Americans.

Ya see, the boomers -- the "hip" generation-- they dig that we young cats simply aren't diggin' the news media's trip. But here comes Colonel Gore and the Groovy Grove Brigade to rap with us, ya dig? Maybe if the Electric Gore-Aid Acid test can lay their groove on us (by, what, hip-hop bumper music, flashier animation, a phalanx of Gideon Yago-esque reporters asking about underwear and cereal preferences?), we'll tune in, brother.

Thanks for the effort, Al, but I've got all the news I need (and then some) already.

I've got Germond and Novak, Broder and Will.

I've got All Things Considered and Hardball.

I've got Meet the Press and Fox News Sunday.

And I've even got C-SPAN, not to mention blogs like this one and Google News.

I don't need your condescending efforts to engage me in politics. And if anybody out there does, let me reiterate: Go home, turn on Spike-TV and don't worry about it. We'll get along just fine without you.

Tony

Jethro Toll
Long hearlded as a fresh approach to relieving traffic congestion, toll lanes may be coming to Maryland.

The state said yesterday that it is seriously considering adding toll lanes to several Maryland roads in order to ease traffic congestion and raise funds for needed road improvements, including lane expansion. The lanes, which would not have toll booths and would instead operate similiar to the E-Z pass system, would be accessible to drivers for a usage fee which would depend on the time of day and level of traffic.

This is an idea whose time, frankly, has come. Americans have proven over and over again that they are willing, if not eager, to spend some money in order to receive better service. In fact, I've held for a long time (along with my partner in crime, Marc) that this system could be used in supermarkets.

How many people would be willing to pony up a litle extra cash to ensure the best cashiers offering quick and effecient service, along with a bagman and even someone to carry the groceries to the car for you? The idea could actually prove an incentive for employees, if a raise was offered to those cashiers who proved themselves worthy to work these registers.

Now I know many of you will say that this is simply unfair.

Opponents have derided such lanes as "Lexus lanes" for the well-heeled...

Why, you might ask, should someone receive better service merely because they have more money? The real question is: Why not? This entire country is predicated on the premise that you can get better service, goods etc. if you are willing to spend some money. Is it unfair that someone with more money drives a better car? Certainly not.

(Check out this Cato Institute report on HOT (high-occupancy toll) lanes)

You hear the same types of complaints when people are ranting about ATM fees. How dare they (though it's never made clear who "they" are), how dare they charge me for accessing my money? Well, truth be told, you are paying for a service (easy dispensation of cash; ability to avoid speaking to banktellers), and there is nothing unreasonable or un-American about that.

These toll lanes would provide relief for those drivers in a hurry, particularly self-employed individuals who are often on the road and usually by themselves. Further, they would help ease traffic for other commuters as well as raise money for road projects, thus enabling the state to not be so reliant on tortoise-like federal funds.

On the flip side, this will create one helluva crisis for Joe.

Tony

Looking For A Good Education? You "Otter" Come To FSU!
International Otter Colloquium to be Held at Frostburg State University

Marc

I am the bastard son of Claire Huxtable
A recent survey named Claire Huxtable as TV's best sitcom mom. Mrs. C, from "Happy Days", was second with Marge Simpson, voiced by MTM alum Julie Kavner coming in third.

Claire Huxtable was the tough but fair-minded matriarch of "The Cosby Show", who approached her family with the same tenacity as her career. A successful lawyer and a mother of five children, she was quite a woman. Of course, it helps when you're not real, and you're problems are always wrapped up in twenty-two minutes.

ANYWAY, I'm not surprised to find Claire on this list, but, seeing as I am somewhat of an authority on the subject, I'd like to put in a word for a few under-appreciated TV moms.

Alice Hyatt was a single mom of a young teenaged son who moved from New Jersey and headed west when her husband died. Although her goal was always to make it big as a singer, she found herself at Mel's Diner, serving up ham and eggs along with a healthy dose of sass and motherly wisdom. The Diner was peppered with interesting characters, from Mel himself, a native of Brooklyn and former Navy frycook to Flo, a back-talking, man hungry southern belle who was always ready to tell a rowdy customer or (usually) Mel to "Kiss my grits." Alice was smart, funny and warm. You know, alot like the waitresses at the Bel-Loc.

Another TV mom we don't hear much about, and who also happens to be a single mom, is Ann Romano who lived with her two teenaged daughters in a high-rise apartment in Indianapolis on the show "One Day at a Time." Unlike Alice, Romano was divorced (the first divorced mom on TV, I believe) from her husband (who would later be revealed to be an alcoholic, something found out by the girls when they run in to him, utterly stinko, in a neighborhood bar) and the show was a nitty-gritty look at the trials and tribulations of raising teenaged daughters, one of whom was a stonecold fox (Valerie Bertinelli) and one of whom was probably half-coked out of her mind the entire time (Mackenzie Phillips). Romano (who used her maiden name, while her girls stuck with their father's name, Cooper) was always juggling her job and her girls all the while fending off the adorably insufferable Schneider, handy man extraordinaire, and attempting to rebuild her own life.

But the best mother in all of TV-dom, by far, has got to be that wrinkly smart-ass Sophia Patrillo from NBC's hit sitcom "The Golden Girls." Sophia, who hailed from New York by way of Sicily, was a caustic, witty, back-talking grandmother who wasn't above an occasional romp in the orthopedic hay. (She wanted to get in good with St. Peter, but she didn't want his job.) She loved each Golden Girl like they were her own, while never missing the opportunity to call Rose an idiot, Blanche a slut or reminding her daughter, Dorothy, that she never would have had to marry that yutz (novelty salesman and all around schlub Stanley Zbornak) if she hadn't let him knock her up.

There are a number of other worthy mothers who deserve mention in this post, from "The Wonder Years'" Norma Arnold, who brought her own brand of feminism into the Arnold house by defiantly going to work in the late-sixties, to Danny Tanner, who held his family together with enough hugs, empathy and sappy music to give Suzanne Sugarbaker a toothache.

So here's to mothers, both real and otherwise. They'll make your dinner and they'll make you crazy and for thirty minutes each weeknight, you can always count on them to make you laugh.

Tony

John Kerry Wraps Up The Draper Vote

The bad news is he fell off the bike:

He was approaching a stop light at the intersection with Route 2 and was slowing down when he veered left into the oncoming lane and fell, according to an Associated Press reporter who witnessed him fall. Secret Service agents and local police immediately stopped traffic while Kerry and a handful of bicycling companions moved to the shoulder.

Link via Instapundit.

Marc

Wienermobile Sighting
Woo-wee! I just got a new digital camera!

And as luck would have it, the Wienermobile was parked in the shopping center where I bought batteries. So expect plenty of wacky pictures, and more "photoblogging", as the kids call it. Enjoy!

Marc

One Man, One Vote, One Time
My man George Will advocates early elections in Iraq as a means of bringing about an authoritarian Shiite regime:

Violent Sunnis must be crushed. Shiites need an incentive -- protecting their capacity to rule after elections -- to crush them and to discipline their own ranks. Iraq's third component, the Kurds, have representative institutions up and running, and an army to strengthen their hand in negotiating favorable parameters of federalism. They also seem amenable to a U.S. military presence in their midst.

The results of elections, including theocratic elements, may be markedly unlovely. That may break the big hearts of those in the U.S. government who hope for a luminously liberal democracy to shame the entire Middle East into emulation, thereby justifying the war originally justified primarily by the threat of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. But pursuit of that ideal can impede achievement of something tolerable: a stable, perhaps illiberal, even authoritarian Iraq which cooperates in the war against terrorism. Call this an exit strategy.

My only problem with this idea is that an elected Shiite strongman would be more legitimate (and so harder to replace) than one we installed ourselves. But it's probably our best option at this point.

Marc

Charlie Foxtrot
Well, the media has been crying wolf (or "quagmire") ever since December of 2001 in Afghanistan - every military setback or delay has been sufficient reason to invoke the ghosts of Vietnam. But now I'm getting worried. This cease-fire deal in Fallujah stinks of the same kind of political interference that made Vietnam such a mess:

The surprise agreement in Fallujah, which was authorized by Marine Lt. Gen. James T. Conway, is intended to give more responsibility to Iraqis for subduing the city while attempting [to] defuse tensions by pulling Marines back from front-line positions.

"Defuse tensions"?!? There's a fucking war on! Try out this thought experiment:

The surprise agreement in Berlin, which was authorized by Marshal Georgi Zhukov, is intended to give more responsibility to former Nazis for subduing the city while attempting to defuse tensions by pulling Soviet troops back from front-line positions.

Hey, that sounds ridiculous! So instead of letting the Marines do their job and slaughter the foreign terrorists and religious fanatics holed up in Fallujah, we are going to put American lives in the capable hands of... the Iraqi army:

The Marines will be replaced by a new militia called the Fallujah Protection Army, which will consist of 900 to 1,100 Iraqis who served in the military or other security services under former president Saddam Hussein, Marine officers said. The militia will be commanded by a group of former Iraqi generals, the officers said.

and some of the "insurgents":

A Marine officer familiar with the arrangement acknowledged that some former insurgents may be part of the force, creating the potential situation of U.S. troops having to work with people who have very recently been shooting at them.

Pray for our troops - may the good Lord deliver them from their leaders.

Marc

BREAKING NEWS: Massachusetts grad student hopelessly out of touch with reality
There's been no shortage of news about the death of Arizona safety Pat Tillman, who opted out of a several million dollar contract with the Cardinals to become an Army Ranger and died while serving in Afghanistan.

Was Tillman a hero? We've heard him called that ever since news broke of his death, but the person most uncomfortable with that designation would have been Tillman himself?

After the 9-11 attacks Tillman simply felt a call to serve his country. He never thought of himself as a hero, nor did he want anybody else to make the same claim for him. He repeatedly denied interviews during his service, stressing the importance that he be treated the same as the guy next to him. I think it's safe to say he's a good example and his all too rare display of self-sacrifice for the common good was a breath of fresh air.

But Tony, what does the political left have to say about Tillman? I'm glad you asked, disembodied voice in my head. An editorial appeared in the UMass student newspaper today criticizing Tillman for serving and commenting on his death that he "got what he deserved."

From an ESPN.com story on the editorial: (Read the whole thing at indymedia.org)

"You know he was a real Rambo, who wanted to be in the 'real' thick of things," Gonzalez writes in his column, which is posted on the collegiate paper's Web site. "I could tell he was that type of macho guy, from his scowling, beefy face on the CNN pictures. Well, he got his wish. Even Rambo got shot in the third movie, but in real life, you die as a result of being shot. They should call Pat Tillman's army life 'Rambo 4: Rambo Attempts to Strike Back at His Former Rambo 3 Taliban Friends, and Gets Killed.'"

Gonzalez also says that Tillman's service was not "necessary."

"It wasn't like he was defending the East coast from an invasion of a foreign power. THAT would have been heroic and laudable," Gonzalez writes. "What he did was make himself useful to a foreign invading army, and he paid for it. It's hard to say I have any sympathy for his death because I don't feel like his 'service' was necessary. He wasn't defending me, nor was he defending the Afghani people. He was acting out his macho, patriotic crap and I guess someone with a bigger gun did him in."

It's not unusual for opponents of wars to demonize the soldiers fighting those wars and to try to cast them as the villians in the overly-simplified morality play that is their view of American foreign policy. I just didn't see it coming this time. The cynicism expressed in this editorial -- that Tillman's only motivation for joing the army was bloodlust, because why else would someone trade in the good life in order to risk their own life -- is astounding.

Cynicism aside, what this editorial truly speaks to is the inability for opponents of American foreign policy to come to terms with the fact that the terrorist attack on New York City was an act of war. And acts of war require military retaliation.

It's not that this guy doesn't like Tillman, or soldiers in general, for that matter. What he is expressing is his belief that all soldiers are blind patirots being rushed off to fight an unjust war whose main goal is lower gas prices. It's a belief that is arrogant and elitist, not to mention blind to the facts and ignorant of the current state of world affairs.

There's nothing wrong with healthy and vocal oppossition to the polcies of your government. What we have here, however, is a poorly thought out leftist, cocoon-induced rant against the United States and those that believe in the ideals of this country, that used Tillman's death as a jumping off point.

And there's certainly nothing heroic about that.

Tony

Phrightening
I've never made much of an effort to hide the fact that small animals really freak me out. Well, imagine my horror when I heard that the Snakehead Fish, a predatory fish indigenous to Asia, has reappeared in Maryland, this time in Wheaton.

The fish, which suppossedly poses no threat to humans, was caught yesterday by a couple of guys fishing for bass. This is the second time in two years that the snakehead has been found in Maryland. The last case was discovered in a pond in Crofton, MD.

The snakeheads usually arrive in this country either as aquarium fish or food fish, and it is speculated that they find their way into ponds or lakes by unsuspecting pet owners who release them after they outgrow their tanks. The DNR has plans to drain the lake in order to determin the extent of the snakehead infestation. Last time the species was found, a fish poison was released in order to kill off the snakehead.

Now for the truly terrifying part. The Snakehead can breath air and can move on the ground, similiar to a snake. It was described by those that caught it yesterday as having the head of a snake and the teeth of a shark. And, apparently, it's not in a good mood:

He [Terry Wintermoyer, catcher of fish] and his friend were debating what to do with the fish, which was lying on the ground inside the plastic bag. A park maintenance worker walked up, curious, and stuck his foot near the animal.

Suddenly, Wintermoyer said, the snakehead lunged.

"It put a pretty good tooth mark in his steel-toed boot," he said.

Holy Mother of the Living God!

Tony

Tuesdays with Greg
Although Tuesday Morning Quarterback won't be back until August, Greg Easterbrook has rescued us from this time of football-lessness with a column analyzing the recent NFL Draft on NFL.com.

Tony

It Begins...
James Ridgeway of the Village Voice advises Democrats to pull a Torricelli on John Kerry:

With the air gushing out of John Kerry's balloon, it may be only a matter of time until political insiders in Washington face the dread reality that the junior senator from Massachusetts doesn't have what it takes to win and has got to go. As arrogant and out of it as the Democratic political establishment is, even these pols know the party's got to have someone to run against George Bush. They can't exactly expect the president to self-destruct into thin air.

With growing issues over his wealth (which makes fellow plutocrat Bush seem a charity case by comparison), the miasma over his medals and ribbons (or ribbons and medals), his uninspiring record in the Senate (yes war, no war), and wishy-washy efforts to mimic Bill Clinton's triangulation gimmickry (the protractor factor), Kerry sinks day by day. The pros all know that the candidate who starts each morning by having to explain himself is a goner.

What to do? Look for the Dem biggies, whoever they are these days, to sit down with the rich and arrogant presumptive nominee and try to persuade him to take a hike. Then they can return to business as usual?resurrecting John Edwards, who is still hanging around, or staging an open convention in Boston, or both.

If things proceed as they are, the dim-bulb Dem leaders are going to be very sorry they screwed Howard Dean.

Marc

With spring, comes new life and new unis
The Terps held their annual Spring football game on Saturday, but the biggest news was the unveiling of thier new threads. I first heard about the change from loyal reader E. Nelson of Baltimore, MD on Sunday, but wasn't able to confirm the change until today. The biggest difference between these new unis and the old (which are actually only a few years old; the news uniforms coming as part of a new apparel contract with Under Armor) is the change from stylized numbers to traditional block numbers, the loss of the throwback (and very cool) shoulder stripes and a more extensive use of black.

To be honest, when I first heard that the Terps were changing their unis I feared that black would make more of an appearance, possibly as the main jersey color or the color of the helmet. So I was somewhat relieved by these new duds. In fact, I like the black and gold piping on the jersey, and the addition of the black seam stripe is not bad, just ordinary. Note the addition of a MD flag on the shoulder, also a good move. The jersey looks alot like Miami's jersey's, which isn't bad in and of itself, but I'd like to see something more original. The change from red to black pant stripes (which remained modern) is okay, probaby because of the gold piping around the stripe. I do lament the loss of the shoulder stripes, which I felt, coupled with the modern pant stripes, helped to create a fresh look. I'm generally oppossed to stylized numbers, but these block numbers just look boring on such a dynamic unfirom.

Most importantly, perhaps, is the fact that no change was made to the helmet, which is one of the cooler helmets in college football. So, all in all, these are changes that I can live with. And considering how often uniform changes go from bad to worse (see Bengals, Cincinnati), the new Terps unis are actually pretty good.

Tony

New look Bengals are nothing new
Continuing the modern look first adopted by the Denver Broncos, the Cincinnati Bengals unvieled their new uniforms on Thursday in a gala celebration. The new duds were modeled by Bengals stars Chad Johnson and Carson Palmer, among others. And they are, to say the least, a doozy. (Pics from the fashion show.)

The Bengals have modernized their traditional look with designer numbers and different colored sleeves, complete with bengal stripes. The Bengal-stripping down the leg of the pants has been modernized and a pair of black pants has been added full-time, something they had flirted with last year.

The Bengals also added (unsurprisingly) an alternate orange jersey, to be worn with either the white or (gag) black pants. At this point there's been no mention of orange pants, but, honestly, how far off can that be.

Interestingly enough, no change was made to the helmet, which though unique, has been a target of criticism for Bengal fans and uniform-istas alike for many years.

Now I don't wanna say that these uniforms are ugly, but Eli Manning just announced that he's adding the Bengals to his list of teams he won't sign with.

It's not that these uniforms are just ugly, which they are, it's how ugly and completely unimaginative they are. The new-look Bengals are a mirror of the new-look Broncos, Falcons, Seahawks and Bills.

Except for the days when the Bengals looked like the Browns with the word "Bengals" on their helmets, this team has never had good unfiorms. So if it's always gonna be ugly, why not try for unique. They should take the Bengal stripes all around the jersey, a la the Dallas Knights (who wore a torso-sized red Knight's cross over on a gold jersey) in Any Given Sunday. They'd still be ugly, but at least they'd be original.

Tony