These days, we'd probably have to call "Deep Throat" "Horny Back-Door Bitches 12"
Mood:  rushed
An Ellicott City resident awoke to the sounds of his large Republican lawn signs on fire early this morning, according to today's Baltimore Sun. Police have reported that this is not an isolated incident, and in fact as many as 12 large lawn signs and 50 small signs have been destroyed over the past several days. Police have another Ellicott City man in custody, but haven't released any details as to whether the burnings were politically motivated or not.

Now maybe it's because I'm reading All The President's Men right now, but am I the only one who thinks it wouldn't be beyond reason to think Karl Rove may have had something to do with this. There are a great number of rumors out there about Rove, including a bugging incident that occured during a Texas gubernatorial race in which a bug was found in his office that many believe was planted there by Rove himself. Many of these rumors can be found in the book Bush's Brain, which has recently been adapted into a film.

The thing about Rove is that no one has been able to find a solid link between these types of activities and Rove. But that's just what you'd expect from the Diabolical Genius, now isn't it?

I don't know, I'm not normally a black helicopters kinda guy, and maybe it's the Nixonian paranoia seeping in. (I mean, I did just indirectly accuse Rove of ordering a series of arsons). Honestly, I think the more likely explanation is that it was some nutcase who, perhaps inspired by the new Che Guevara movie (Anyone out there interested, check out the review of this film, starring Gael Garcia Bernal, star of international acclaimed Y Tu Mama Tambien in the latest GQ. Referencing the casting, the author writes: "In terms of audience appeal, the right-wing equivalent would be Keanu Reeves as the idealistic young David Koresh, or maybe Justin Timberlake playing gallant, pensive Timothy McVeigh."), thought he'd take revolution into his own hands.

If Rove or the Bush campaign was involved, I doubt setting the signs on fire was part of the plan, probably just some low-level vandalism. The other explanation, that it was directed by the Kerry campaign, doesn't hold much water for me. Not only would it be incredibly stupid, but I don't think that campaign would be able to pull something like this off.

So, back to the flaming signs at hand. Don't worry about the Bush supporter whose sign was destroyed. He, like his president, is steeled in his resolve in the face of terror:

"I'm not going to be weak and let them control my life," McQuarry said.

After all, if McQuarry takes down his yard sign, then the terrorists have already won.

Tony

Leon Award -- Pulitizer Prize Edition
Mood:  irritated
Topic: sports
Following in the grand tradition of Lawrence Taylor, Dexter Manley and that guy who wrote that book about the seedy, underside of the NFL, Terrell Owens has come out with a book: Catch This. It's a look at Terrell Owens and, as the write-up on Amazon.com states, the outrageous gridiron personality "T.O." that Owens has created.

(By the way, that pic is from terrellowens.com. I think this is a trend that the Jerks need to latch onto.)

According to the blurb on Amazon, the book allows the reader to learn how great T.O. is:

He takes us behind his apprenticeship to -- and eventual eclipsing of -- the legendary 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice.

And how, like Rosa Parks, he was wronged during this past off-season:

And, finally, he lets loose on the free agent scandal that shook the NFL in 2004 -- and reveals the truth behind the NFL's attempt to deny him free agency, his fraudulent trade to the Baltimore Ravens, and his ultimate happy landing with the Philadelphia Eagles.

But probably the most interesting, and least surprising, thing "revealed" in the book is his condemnation of the liberal white media who find it easy to come down hard on black athletes. Specifically, he mentions Dan Patrick, who conducted a rather rough interview with T.O. a couple years ago on Patrick's radio show.

Was Dan Patrick rough on T.O.? Probably. But was it because he's black, or because Owens is a loud-mouth jerk?

If T.O. thinks it's okay to arbitrarily assign motive to public figures, is it fair to say that T.O. wanted out of San Fran, not because he didn't think Jeff Garcia was a good enough quarterback, but because he is white, and (at least according to T.O.) gay? Is it out of line to suggest that he only wanted to go to Philly, and not Baltimore, because Kyle Boller is white and Donovan McNabb is black?

What if Jeff Garcia were to write a book stating that T.O. didn't want to play with him because he's white. Would Garcia be lauded as being "never politically correct and always controversial and colorful on and off the field." And would his publisher hype Garcia's book as a "...wickedly insightful book, he's (Owens) full of sharp-eyed observations on the contentious, demanding, insane phenomenon that is pro football."

Tony

I wanna C-U-P
Mood:  special
Anyone man who has ever played contact sports, or been attacked by a rabid dog, or a small child with good aim will know how important a quality cup can be in making sure that you're last name doesn't die with you. Shockingly, however, it seems that professional football players are not amongst those concerned with taking a shot in the almonds. Accoriding to this piece on ESPN.com's Page 2, players have shunned cups because of their bulk and those who wear cups are in fact ridiculed by their teammates.

But wearing this vital piece of equipment should not be taken so lightly, particularly after you hear the story of Virgil Livers.

He's a former defensive back who played for the Chicago Bears from 1975-79. While fielding a punt at Soldier Field, Livers was speared in the groin. By halftime, one of his testicles had swollen so badly it had to be...drained with a needle by the trainers. Somehow, Livers suited up for the second half. That was a bad idea. A really, really, really bad idea. Later that night, he was rushed to the hospital where the mangled orb was surgically removed.

Personally, I'd run the risk of lost mobility in order to prevent a scene even close to the one described above. I'd like to continue, but I'm doubled over with sympathy pain, trying not to throw up on my keyboard.

Tony

Brooklyn Represent
Topic: foolishness
I took a few pictures on the walk home from work today:

Check out the rest here.

Bible Trivia Bonus Question:
If you can tell me what part of the Bible this is from, you win a bellyful of rye. Good luck!

Marc

Snoop Doggy Dogg?... He Needs To Get A Jobby Job!
Topic: work
This one goes out to loyal W3J reader Sean, and anyone else who I've been badgering to get a job in a library. This job in particular sounds like a good gig for those of you currently reading the suicide pages. Links a-plenty:

Public Libraries:

Anne Arundel
Baltimore County
Pratt

College Libraries:

Towson
UMBC
JHU
UB
UMaB
Loyola
MICA
Morgan State
Coppin State
Notre Dame
CCBC
BCCC

Assorted Library Job Listings:

MLA Job Line

Non-library related, but this might be of interest to you, Sean. Just remember: you're not a writer, you're a killer!

Marc

I have been deceived yet again
Mood:  suave
Topic: gloating
Well, well, well. It seems that the Jerks, despite all evidence to the contrary, got one wrong. Over football on Sunday Martin, Steve and Chevy argued over the theme song of the newest CSI franchise, CSI: New York. (At this point I would normally provide links to all three of the CSI shows, but I've provided only one link to the CBS page, where you can find all three shows if you choose. Which, of course, none of you will.)

Both Draper and I were certain that it was a song by The Who, although we were unsure as to which one. I was beyond incredulous that it was "Won't Get Fooled Again," which, as it turns out, was wrong. (That, incidentally is the theme song to CSI: Miami). Marc, however, insisted that it was not a Who song at all, speculating that it might be Rush.

Of course, Marc doesn't watch network television, and would not know that The Who provides the theme music for the original CSI, set in Las Vegas ("Who are you") and the aformentioned Miami song. It's what people who call themselves "analysts" might call a trend.

To make a short story long, the theme song is a Who song, "Baba O'Riley", which is better known for a line in the song, "teenage wasteland".

So, while nobody was exactly right, we can rest assured that Marc, as ususal, was exactly wrong. ZING!

Tony

Do no Hamm
Mood:  hug me
Topic: sports
The South Korean gymnast who took bronze in the Men's all around has been awarded a facsimilie gold medal and the same $20,000 cash prize that is awarded to all South Korean gold medalists. He also plans on appealing his case, which has been denied by the International Olympic Committee and chortled at by the U.S. Olympic committee, to the World Court of Sports (or something like that).

For those of you who aren't familiar with this case, it basically breaks down like this. A judge made an error, and as a result the outcome was affected. Sound familiar? It should. It happens all the freakin' time.

Just this past weekend refs made a mistake that allowed Tennessee to kick a game winning field goal over the Florida Gators. And T.O. made a touchdown grab that, upon further review, was neither a touchdown nor a catch. But both of these plays stood, and the results were affected. (Although, the Eagles were going to win that one anyway, but for argument's sake, go along with this one.)

This happens in sports (all sports, not just ones where judges determine the outcome, but any sport where there are human officials) all the time, because the judges or refs or umps are humans, prone to mistakes, even when aided by technology. We all must live within these bounds, and the fact that the Koreans are continuing to harp about this speaks more about their poor sportsmanship, rather than Hamm's (which many American sports columnists alluded to soon after his victory.)

Kudos to Hamm for not giving in to the pressure to return his medal in the "spirit of sportsmanship." And huzzah for the U.S. Olympic committee for sticking with him.

Tony

Kerry Lupus Watch
Topic: politics
Bush and Kerry are tied 48-48 in Maryland, says the new Survey USA poll taken 9/17-9/19.

I think it's just about about time for Operation Torricelli: Kerry is diagnosed with lupus and gets replaced on the ticket by John Edwards.

Marc

Tyler tests positive?
I am posting this before you hear or read about it in the non cycling media. From Cyclingnews,

The Vuelta a Espa?a has been rocked this morning by news that Tyler Hamilton (Phonak), has returned two positive blood tests that showed evidence of a homologous blood transfusion. One test was performed at the Athens Olympics and another at the Vuelta. Both tests showed evidence of a "mixed red blood cell population, an indication of a homologous (self) blood transfusion," Phonak's press officer Georges Luechinger was quoted by AP as saying. Phonak will hold a press conference later this evening.

Hamilton, winner of the gold medal at the Athens 2004 Olympics in the individual time trial, abandoned the Vuelta prior to stage 13 claiming stomach problems. Hamilton has denied having a transfusion, saying the positive test was the result of a surgical intervention he had some time ago.

Phonak team director Alvaro Pino said, "I have spoken to Tyler and he has claimed he is innocent and apart from whatever the (Phonak) team decides, he will do whatever he has to do to defend himself from these accusations."

This is bad, if true, and it may not be true, that he doped, these tests are not 100%. Especially this one, it is being used for the first time ever just this year, and was rushed into development for the Olympics. Now, before you start jumping up and down calling all cyclist cheaters, don't. Tyler has never tested positive or been sanctioned in any way by the UCI in his ten years as a pro.

Anyway, I know you all want to stay tuned on this so check back with Cyclingnews and Velonews throughout the day for the up to date info.

Crushed, if true

Me fail English, that's unpossible.
Topic: foolishness
Subtitle:English as a third language or What happens when a Basque manufacturing cooperative which makes bikes (among other things, like guns) runs an English language advertisement in a British cycling magazine!

Perhaps the Wiggums have some Basque heritage because it seems that even well educated Basque persons, like those is the ad dept. of Orbea, have a difficult time with the English language.

And I quote:

Besides offering a product with a technically competitive profile, we have also taken great care in design to tame its grip. The direction of the fibre, the surface reliefs, the design of the ZACCS rear stays and the ZICCS fork are not a question of pure chance.

T700S carbon fibre and epoxy
1000 g of reliability, stiffness and comfort
Optimised orientable properties of carbon fibre
Best profit of power and the maximum comfort

and the kicker:

The armory of the whole system will eventually make it a museum exhibit

What!?

I mean really, I am a bike nerd bar none and while some of the copy from that ad is just bike jargon, most of it it just plain and simple butchery of the language. And none of this is embellishment on my part, this is copy taken straight from the back page ad from the September 2004 issue of Procycling magazine, the one with Lance on the cover, or rather the latest one with Lance on the cover.

Though, I can imagine that English is hard to grasp when you spoken language is as fucked up as Basque is. For example, some names of riders for the Euskaltel Euskadi procycling team, which is a Basque only team:

Aitor Silloniz Aresti

Egoi Martinez de Esteban

Gorka Gonzalez Larranaga

Gorka Arrizabalaga Agirre

Inigo Landaluze Intxaurraga

So, what's the moral of this story, I don't know, but I am fascinated by the Basques, and their grotesque language, love of cycling, and soccer. And remember,

The armory of the whole system will eventually make it a museum exhibit!

Draper Esteban Landalutxeagga

Excrement!
Topic: sports
Well, I can't find the quote quite yet but, I was watching ESPNews today and apparently Deion (rhymes with Leon) took off his helmet after that punt return not because he is a showboating scumbag but because the two, yes two, do-rags he was wearing had come down and covered his eyes while running the punt back. So, as we can all see, Deion is still the humble servant of God and not just a washed up, showboating asshole that we all love to hate.

Draper

Baltimore has worst bout of Monday morning beer shits ever.
Topic: schadenfreude
This is too good to be true. Apparently the city partied just a little to hard yesterday celebrating the Ravens ugly injury fest of a football game over the Steelers. So when the sleepy eyed hung over city sat down on the toilet for that first Kool of the day, something bad happened. There was a rumbling in this fair city's bouls and then boom,

It blew out four or five manholes in the area and firefighters found smoke and flames shooting from one of the manholes. Cartwright said the fire damaged high-powered electric cables underground, including a cable that feeds the traffic light system.


Apparently, there was an underground fire somewhere near Guilford and Fayette and it blew the tops of four or five manhole covers, in addition to killing about 500 city stoplights. Should have been a fun morning rush for you people with jobs.

Draper

This is the best that the internet can do?
Topic: foolishness
So I was looking at the blog and digging Tbor's newest post while trying to come up with something to write about I decided to click on those little banner ads on the top of the page that change according to our content. And boy, this is what we inadvertantly advertise on our little site. A sticker website with gems like this. Oh well.

By the way a Euphonium is a brass instrument pitched in B-flat, which is used mainly in brass and military bands. Its range is equivalent to that of the tenor tuba. I had to look it up.

I wonder if the old addage that musicians get all the chicks holds true for Euphonium players, like these guys.

Draper

I am decidedly NOT lovin' it
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: foolishness
As some of you out there in Jerkdom may know, I recently moved down to Charles Village. Now, in addition to being within walking distance to Eddies market (home of delicious deli sandwhiches and decadent bannanna pudding), I get off the bus on 29th street right next to a McDonald's and a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

(Interesting sidenote -- The KFC on 29th still has the words "Kentucky Fried Chicken" on the building. Chicken restaurateurs are under strict orders from the Colonel these days to present themselves as KFC's, in order to hide the fact that their product is fried. It still is fried, mind you, but they'd like you not to think about that so much.)

ANYWAY, Yesterday evening I submitted to temptation and went to McDonalds. Truth be told, I don't believe I've enjoyed a visit to McDonalds (except for breakfast), for a long time. But I'm a junk-food junkie, and fast food just sings to me sometimes. Now, I know what you're thinking. A McDonalds at 29th street is probably not going to be the best dining experience. But, to the contrary, it was clean, not at all crowded and the staff was relatively friendly, prompt and courteous. But here's the rub. My order was wrong, which is not all that surprising, except for the way that it was wrong.

I had ordered a double quarterpounder with cheese and a six piece McNugget. When I got home, everything looked fine, except my double quarterpounder with cheese box had a single quarterpounder with cheese and my six piece nugget box only had four nuggets. That's not even an item, as a matter of fact. The four piece nugget is a kid's meal nugget, but that's really besides the point.

My question is, was race a motivating factor in this Fast Food Fiasco? I can't prove anything, and in fact the young lady who waited on me was friendly and quick. But these seem like odd discrepencies. Remeber, it wasn't like I placed my order and got three cheeseburgers and a couple of pies instead. All items were in their correct box, they were just slightly off. And two screw-ups like this in one order? Just seems Filet-o-fishy to me.

Tony

He really does make the most sense
Mood:  smelly
Topic: politics
CBS News' own Andy Rooney was quoted in the Daily News today that he believes the memos, originally aired on a 60 Minutes 2 segment a couple of weeks ago, about President Bush failing to fulfill his National Guard duties are fakes and Dan Rather should say so.

Now, I don't believe that there was any malicious intent behind the airing of these memos, but I do believe that the longer Rather refuses to call a spade a spade, the worse this story gets for CBS. Rather has always been dogged by accusations that his liberalism colors his broadcasts to an almost embarassing level. Personally, I think this is an example of the news buisness' obsession with scoops and scandals than anything else.

Not surprisingly, I think the greatest travesty of this whole thing is that fact that this presidential election is stuck in the quagmire of rehashing Vietnam. This war has as much to do with modern America as the Franco-Prussian War, but the media and the political elite are indulging in one more groovy grove acid flashback, while people our age will be forced to pick up the tab. I hate to sound like a broken record (or scratched CD, or, I guess, a low-battered IPOD [this is probably a terrible phrase, since I have no expdeience with this new technology. Anyone with a better phrase, please let me know.], but there are real, honest-to-God issues out there that we are simply not talking about.

One of the reasons I haven't blogged in such a long time is because what I want to write about is this election, but my anger at the candidates and the media has settled into a quiet depression that I don't even want to think about.

But, I'm back, baby. Like crab grass, not pulled by the root, but by the other thing. So, look forward to more Tony posts. We'll talk about uniforms, I'll promise to find something about the Redskins to complain about and we'll continue to bash soft-headed Democrats, Baby Boomers, old people, teachers, labor unions, city government etc.

Thanks for having me back. I feel like Magic Johnson when he came back to the NBA. You know, except for the AIDS.

Tony