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We Three Jerks
Monday, 27 September 2004
Cram it in your Jerkholes!
Topic: gloating
Guess who won last night, swine. That's right Steelers 13 Dolphins 3. Oh and my condolences to A.J. Feeley's family.

Draper

Posted by thynkhard at 12:15 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, 1 October 2004 10:37 AM EDT
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Professor Billick's Konversion Korner
Topic: sports
Ignored by the local rag, Brian Billick's decision to try a two-point conversion while holding a 14-point lead was noticed by the Post:

Billick called for a two-point conversion following Jamal Lewis's 75-yard touchdown run, which gave Baltimore a 14-point lead, 23-9, in the fourth quarter. Boller's pass to Hymes was incomplete. "I started in college as an engineering major, and obviously, as you can see, I'm too stupid to add, so I switched to journalism," said Billick, who has a communications degree from BYU. "I thought it was 15 when it was 14."

Maybe one of those scholars from Miami "The U" could have helped him out with the math.


Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 11:41 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 27 September 2004 11:42 AM EDT
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The Oriole Way?
Topic: sports
O's skipper Lee Mazzilli joins the loser's chorus of gutless O's fans who want to take their ball and run home crying from the AL East:
Peter Angelos still wants to fight, but if he loses, Lee Mazzilli says he'd like to switch.

While the Orioles owner remains dead set against what appears to be the looming move of the Montreal Expos to Washington, his manager said yesterday that if it happens, he has a "very simple solution." Mazzilli would like the Orioles to move to the National League East and have the Washington team take the Orioles' place in the American League East.

This is kind of an odd argument, since the O's would currently be in 4th place in the NL East, as opposed to 3rd in the AL East.

Brooks Robinson gets to the heart of the matter:

The Orioles just have to put a winning product on the field and they're going to draw a lot of people.
Sorry, Brooks, but the O's are already preparing to use the Senators as an excuse for their sorry performance. OK, that covers 2005 - what about the last 7 (!!!) seasons of sub-.500 baseball? The best thing that could come out of a team in DC is a new owner for the Orioles.

Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 9:59 AM EDT
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Ca-bla Gou-bla!
Topic: foolishness
I just got done watching an NFL Films documentary about the '86 Jets.


Boy, I missed cable.


Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 9:42 AM EDT
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Saturday, 25 September 2004
These days, we'd probably have to call "Deep Throat" "Horny Back-Door Bitches 12"
Mood:  rushed
An Ellicott City resident awoke to the sounds of his large Republican lawn signs on fire early this morning, according to today's Baltimore Sun. Police have reported that this is not an isolated incident, and in fact as many as 12 large lawn signs and 50 small signs have been destroyed over the past several days. Police have another Ellicott City man in custody, but haven't released any details as to whether the burnings were politically motivated or not.

Now maybe it's because I'm reading All The President's Men right now, but am I the only one who thinks it wouldn't be beyond reason to think Karl Rove may have had something to do with this. There are a great number of rumors out there about Rove, including a bugging incident that occured during a Texas gubernatorial race in which a bug was found in his office that many believe was planted there by Rove himself. Many of these rumors can be found in the book Bush's Brain, which has recently been adapted into a film.

The thing about Rove is that no one has been able to find a solid link between these types of activities and Rove. But that's just what you'd expect from the Diabolical Genius, now isn't it?

I don't know, I'm not normally a black helicopters kinda guy, and maybe it's the Nixonian paranoia seeping in. (I mean, I did just indirectly accuse Rove of ordering a series of arsons). Honestly, I think the more likely explanation is that it was some nutcase who, perhaps inspired by the new Che Guevara movie (Anyone out there interested, check out the review of this film, starring Gael Garcia Bernal, star of international acclaimed Y Tu Mama Tambien in the latest GQ. Referencing the casting, the author writes: "In terms of audience appeal, the right-wing equivalent would be Keanu Reeves as the idealistic young David Koresh, or maybe Justin Timberlake playing gallant, pensive Timothy McVeigh."), thought he'd take revolution into his own hands.

If Rove or the Bush campaign was involved, I doubt setting the signs on fire was part of the plan, probably just some low-level vandalism. The other explanation, that it was directed by the Kerry campaign, doesn't hold much water for me. Not only would it be incredibly stupid, but I don't think that campaign would be able to pull something like this off.

So, back to the flaming signs at hand. Don't worry about the Bush supporter whose sign was destroyed. He, like his president, is steeled in his resolve in the face of terror:

"I'm not going to be weak and let them control my life," McQuarry said.

After all, if McQuarry takes down his yard sign, then the terrorists have already won.

Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 1:25 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 25 September 2004 1:33 PM EDT
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Friday, 24 September 2004
Leon Award -- Pulitizer Prize Edition
Mood:  irritated
Topic: sports
Following in the grand tradition of Lawrence Taylor, Dexter Manley and that guy who wrote that book about the seedy, underside of the NFL, Terrell Owens has come out with a book: Catch This. It's a look at Terrell Owens and, as the write-up on Amazon.com states, the outrageous gridiron personality "T.O." that Owens has created.

(By the way, that pic is from terrellowens.com. I think this is a trend that the Jerks need to latch onto.)

According to the blurb on Amazon, the book allows the reader to learn how great T.O. is:

He takes us behind his apprenticeship to -- and eventual eclipsing of -- the legendary 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice.

And how, like Rosa Parks, he was wronged during this past off-season:

And, finally, he lets loose on the free agent scandal that shook the NFL in 2004 -- and reveals the truth behind the NFL's attempt to deny him free agency, his fraudulent trade to the Baltimore Ravens, and his ultimate happy landing with the Philadelphia Eagles.

But probably the most interesting, and least surprising, thing "revealed" in the book is his condemnation of the liberal white media who find it easy to come down hard on black athletes. Specifically, he mentions Dan Patrick, who conducted a rather rough interview with T.O. a couple years ago on Patrick's radio show.

Was Dan Patrick rough on T.O.? Probably. But was it because he's black, or because Owens is a loud-mouth jerk?

If T.O. thinks it's okay to arbitrarily assign motive to public figures, is it fair to say that T.O. wanted out of San Fran, not because he didn't think Jeff Garcia was a good enough quarterback, but because he is white, and (at least according to T.O.) gay? Is it out of line to suggest that he only wanted to go to Philly, and not Baltimore, because Kyle Boller is white and Donovan McNabb is black?

What if Jeff Garcia were to write a book stating that T.O. didn't want to play with him because he's white. Would Garcia be lauded as being "never politically correct and always controversial and colorful on and off the field." And would his publisher hype Garcia's book as a "...wickedly insightful book, he's (Owens) full of sharp-eyed observations on the contentious, demanding, insane phenomenon that is pro football."

Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 4:27 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 25 September 2004 3:55 PM EDT
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Thursday, 23 September 2004
I wanna C-U-P
Mood:  special
Anyone man who has ever played contact sports, or been attacked by a rabid dog, or a small child with good aim will know how important a quality cup can be in making sure that you're last name doesn't die with you. Shockingly, however, it seems that professional football players are not amongst those concerned with taking a shot in the almonds. Accoriding to this piece on ESPN.com's Page 2, players have shunned cups because of their bulk and those who wear cups are in fact ridiculed by their teammates.

But wearing this vital piece of equipment should not be taken so lightly, particularly after you hear the story of Virgil Livers.

He's a former defensive back who played for the Chicago Bears from 1975-79. While fielding a punt at Soldier Field, Livers was speared in the groin. By halftime, one of his testicles had swollen so badly it had to be...drained with a needle by the trainers. Somehow, Livers suited up for the second half. That was a bad idea. A really, really, really bad idea. Later that night, he was rushed to the hospital where the mangled orb was surgically removed.

Personally, I'd run the risk of lost mobility in order to prevent a scene even close to the one described above. I'd like to continue, but I'm doubled over with sympathy pain, trying not to throw up on my keyboard.

Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 5:14 PM EDT
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Wednesday, 22 September 2004
Brooklyn Represent
Topic: foolishness
I took a few pictures on the walk home from work today:

Check out the rest here.

Bible Trivia Bonus Question:
If you can tell me what part of the Bible this is from, you win a bellyful of rye. Good luck!

Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 9:35 PM EDT
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Snoop Doggy Dogg?... He Needs To Get A Jobby Job!
Topic: work
This one goes out to loyal W3J reader Sean, and anyone else who I've been badgering to get a job in a library. This job in particular sounds like a good gig for those of you currently reading the suicide pages. Links a-plenty:

Public Libraries:

Anne Arundel
Baltimore County
Pratt

College Libraries:

Towson
UMBC
JHU
UB
UMaB
Loyola
MICA
Morgan State
Coppin State
Notre Dame
CCBC
BCCC

Assorted Library Job Listings:

MLA Job Line

Non-library related, but this might be of interest to you, Sean. Just remember: you're not a writer, you're a killer!

Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 9:01 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 25 September 2004 2:42 PM EDT
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I have been deceived yet again
Mood:  suave
Topic: gloating
Well, well, well. It seems that the Jerks, despite all evidence to the contrary, got one wrong. Over football on Sunday Martin, Steve and Chevy argued over the theme song of the newest CSI franchise, CSI: New York. (At this point I would normally provide links to all three of the CSI shows, but I've provided only one link to the CBS page, where you can find all three shows if you choose. Which, of course, none of you will.)

Both Draper and I were certain that it was a song by The Who, although we were unsure as to which one. I was beyond incredulous that it was "Won't Get Fooled Again," which, as it turns out, was wrong. (That, incidentally is the theme song to CSI: Miami). Marc, however, insisted that it was not a Who song at all, speculating that it might be Rush.

Of course, Marc doesn't watch network television, and would not know that The Who provides the theme music for the original CSI, set in Las Vegas ("Who are you") and the aformentioned Miami song. It's what people who call themselves "analysts" might call a trend.

To make a short story long, the theme song is a Who song, "Baba O'Riley", which is better known for a line in the song, "teenage wasteland".

So, while nobody was exactly right, we can rest assured that Marc, as ususal, was exactly wrong. ZING!

Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 12:35 PM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 22 September 2004 1:03 PM EDT
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Do no Hamm
Mood:  hug me
Topic: sports
The South Korean gymnast who took bronze in the Men's all around has been awarded a facsimilie gold medal and the same $20,000 cash prize that is awarded to all South Korean gold medalists. He also plans on appealing his case, which has been denied by the International Olympic Committee and chortled at by the U.S. Olympic committee, to the World Court of Sports (or something like that).

For those of you who aren't familiar with this case, it basically breaks down like this. A judge made an error, and as a result the outcome was affected. Sound familiar? It should. It happens all the freakin' time.

Just this past weekend refs made a mistake that allowed Tennessee to kick a game winning field goal over the Florida Gators. And T.O. made a touchdown grab that, upon further review, was neither a touchdown nor a catch. But both of these plays stood, and the results were affected. (Although, the Eagles were going to win that one anyway, but for argument's sake, go along with this one.)

This happens in sports (all sports, not just ones where judges determine the outcome, but any sport where there are human officials) all the time, because the judges or refs or umps are humans, prone to mistakes, even when aided by technology. We all must live within these bounds, and the fact that the Koreans are continuing to harp about this speaks more about their poor sportsmanship, rather than Hamm's (which many American sports columnists alluded to soon after his victory.)

Kudos to Hamm for not giving in to the pressure to return his medal in the "spirit of sportsmanship." And huzzah for the U.S. Olympic committee for sticking with him.

Tony

Posted by thynkhard at 11:07 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 22 September 2004 12:46 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 21 September 2004
Kerry Lupus Watch
Topic: politics
Bush and Kerry are tied 48-48 in Maryland, says the new Survey USA poll taken 9/17-9/19.

I think it's just about about time for Operation Torricelli: Kerry is diagnosed with lupus and gets replaced on the ticket by John Edwards.

Marc

Posted by thynkhard at 6:09 PM EDT
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Tyler tests positive?
I am posting this before you hear or read about it in the non cycling media. From Cyclingnews,
The Vuelta a Espa?a has been rocked this morning by news that Tyler Hamilton (Phonak), has returned two positive blood tests that showed evidence of a homologous blood transfusion. One test was performed at the Athens Olympics and another at the Vuelta. Both tests showed evidence of a "mixed red blood cell population, an indication of a homologous (self) blood transfusion," Phonak's press officer Georges Luechinger was quoted by AP as saying. Phonak will hold a press conference later this evening.

Hamilton, winner of the gold medal at the Athens 2004 Olympics in the individual time trial, abandoned the Vuelta prior to stage 13 claiming stomach problems. Hamilton has denied having a transfusion, saying the positive test was the result of a surgical intervention he had some time ago.

Phonak team director Alvaro Pino said, "I have spoken to Tyler and he has claimed he is innocent and apart from whatever the (Phonak) team decides, he will do whatever he has to do to defend himself from these accusations."

This is bad, if true, and it may not be true, that he doped, these tests are not 100%. Especially this one, it is being used for the first time ever just this year, and was rushed into development for the Olympics. Now, before you start jumping up and down calling all cyclist cheaters, don't. Tyler has never tested positive or been sanctioned in any way by the UCI in his ten years as a pro.

Anyway, I know you all want to stay tuned on this so check back with Cyclingnews and Velonews throughout the day for the up to date info.

Crushed, if true

Posted by thynkhard at 7:03 AM EDT
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Me fail English, that's unpossible.
Topic: foolishness
Subtitle:English as a third language or What happens when a Basque manufacturing cooperative which makes bikes (among other things, like guns) runs an English language advertisement in a British cycling magazine!

Perhaps the Wiggums have some Basque heritage because it seems that even well educated Basque persons, like those is the ad dept. of Orbea, have a difficult time with the English language.

And I quote:
Besides offering a product with a technically competitive profile, we have also taken great care in design to tame its grip. The direction of the fibre, the surface reliefs, the design of the ZACCS rear stays and the ZICCS fork are not a question of pure chance.

T700S carbon fibre and epoxy
1000 g of reliability, stiffness and comfort
Optimised orientable properties of carbon fibre
Best profit of power and the maximum comfort

and the kicker:
The armory of the whole system will eventually make it a museum exhibit


What!?

I mean really, I am a bike nerd bar none and while some of the copy from that ad is just bike jargon, most of it it just plain and simple butchery of the language. And none of this is embellishment on my part, this is copy taken straight from the back page ad from the September 2004 issue of Procycling magazine, the one with Lance on the cover, or rather the latest one with Lance on the cover.

Though, I can imagine that English is hard to grasp when you spoken language is as fucked up as Basque is. For example, some names of riders for the Euskaltel Euskadi procycling team, which is a Basque only team:
    Aitor Silloniz Aresti
    Egoi Martinez de Esteban
    Gorka Gonzalez Larranaga
    Gorka Arrizabalaga Agirre
    Inigo Landaluze Intxaurraga


So, what's the moral of this story, I don't know, but I am fascinated by the Basques, and their grotesque language, love of cycling, and soccer. And remember,

The armory of the whole system will eventually make it a museum exhibit!

Draper Esteban Landalutxeagga

Posted by thynkhard at 12:55 AM EDT
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Monday, 20 September 2004
Excrement!
Topic: sports
Well, I can't find the quote quite yet but, I was watching ESPNews today and apparently Deion (rhymes with Leon) took off his helmet after that punt return not because he is a showboating scumbag but because the two, yes two, do-rags he was wearing had come down and covered his eyes while running the punt back. So, as we can all see, Deion is still the humble servant of God and not just a washed up, showboating asshole that we all love to hate.

Draper

Posted by thynkhard at 4:26 PM EDT
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